


Don's Bad Pickup Lines

by Malivrag



Category: Dokken (Band), Music RPF
Genre: M/M, Pre-Slash, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-20 19:36:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11927802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malivrag/pseuds/Malivrag
Summary: Based on a report about Don's terrible pickup lines.1988. Trying to avoid an awkward band movie night, "Wild" Mick Brown drives Don Dokken around L.A., enduring Don's questionable attempts to pick up ladies.





	Don's Bad Pickup Lines

Jeff, being the nerd that he was, had acquired and set up a home theater ("It's state of the art!" he said) and he was desperate to show it off to his bandmates. That's why he'd called Mick and Don and arranged for a movie night to celebrate the release of their live album.

There were a couple problems with this -- first of all, the weird tension any time all four members of Dokken were in a room together. It wasn't just Don and George, although that's what people often thought. Those two had actually been sort of getting along lately. But the tension was stifling. The smiles were plastic and the laughs were strained. It felt like an eminent divorce between four people. Mick didn't think he could stand it.

Secondly, for some godawful reason, the movie Jeff had picked out was Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS ("She's got great boobs on the cover!"). Clearly, he had never seen nor heard of this movie, because Mick had seen it years ago, and it was without a doubt not a Jeff Pilson-kinda movie.

Thirdly -- well, Mick just kinda wanted to hang out with Don on his own.

Don slid into the passenger side of Mick's convertible, giving him a cheeky smile. "Hi, pal! Right on time."

Mick bumped fists with him. "Hi to you, too! How you doin' today? What's goin' on, any new flowers in the garden?"

That got Don talking about his gardenias, which put Mick into a pleasant state of mind. Don was the only rock star Mick had ever known who enjoyed gardening. Maybe that was boring to most people, but Mick kinda liked listening to something other than people talking about getting high and drunk. Not that Mick knew anything about germination or whatever had Don talking so excitedly, but at least it was something a little different.

Mick genuinely liked hanging out with Don when it was just the two of them. Not on the bus, cooped up with the band, where an argument would inevitably break out and Mick would have to pick sides.

"Oh, look!" Don pointed up ahead, where a curvaceous woman was waiting to cross the road. "She's a total babe, slow down." As they pulled up, Don leaned his elbow on the car door and said, "Hey baby, what's your name -- uh oh." He cut off his attempted pick-up in a hurry after spotting a small child holding the woman's hand.

"Don't you want her name?" Mick asked.

"Drive, just drive!" As they took off again, Don breathed a sigh of relief. "Whew, that was a close one! Oh, here comes another smokeshow."

As they cruised past another woman, Don hung his head out and said, "Goin' my way, walky?"

Meanwhile, at Jeff's house, George had already arrived and he and Jeff had been relaxing for the last thirty minutes, waiting for Don and Mick to get there. Jeff even tried calling Mick and Don's houses, but didn't get any answer.

"Damn, they're late!" Jeff cocked his head to the side and looked thoughtful. "Should we do yoga to pass the time?"

Ordinarily, George would've said yes, but after the last time they did yoga together and it ended disastrously, he didn't think that was a good idea. Who knew you shouldn't snort cocaine and then stand on your head? "Nah, let's just put the movie on. They can miss the first part."

Jeff pulled out the tape and they took a moment to admire the cover. Their eyes met and they silently agreed that it was a very nice cover. Into the VCR the video went.

Back on the streets, Mick and Don were still cruising around, still without a female passenger despite Don's earnest attempts. "Hey honey, you can sit on my lap! We'll talk about the first thing that pops up!" Don yelled at a passing woman.

"I don't think she's into you," laughed Mick as the woman flipped them the bird.

"Nonsense. Ladies love me. I'm a big rock star." Don sniffed in offense. "Okay, this one's gonna work." As they drove up alongside a lady jogger, Don called out, "Are you tired from running around heaven all night -- I mean -- oops -- I fucked that one up." As they pulled away, Don morosely called out, "Call me!"

At Jeff's house, Jeff and George were reclining on the couch, watching the first few scenes of the movie. As miserable prisoners lined up at the entrance to the concentration camp, their clothes clutched to their sunken chests, Jeff tut-tuted and said, "This is what every casting call in Los Angeles looks like."

"Yeah," agreed George. "The sad thing is, these girls are still too fat to model."

In Mick's car, Don had suddenly clued into something. "Are we just circling around Pasadena?"

Mick started sweating. "Uh, no."

"I think we are! We've passed this same corner like three times! I know I've hit on this chick in roller skates all three of those times!"

As the movie's hero engaged in a threesome with evil Nazi prison ladies, Jeff and George had begun to watch the screen with rather more interest than before. "This guy is having the best Holocaust ever," said Jeff in wonder.

While they waited at a red light, Don was teaching a masterclass in smooth with the woman at the wheel of the car next to them. "Baby, I got a place for you to sit down," he told her. "Let me clear it off for you." He then wiped vigorously at his face.

"Fuck you!" said the woman, before flooring it out of there as soon as the light turned green.

"Fuck this!" George yelled, flinging a pillow at the screen. An extended, stomach-churning torture sequence was underway. "Turn it off! This isn't fun anymore!"

"I can't turn it off," said Jeff, who was on the verge of tears. "I just bought this thing, I'm not sure how it works! I can't even make it stop blinking twelve o' clock!"

The new Def Leppard song came on the radio, and Mick immediately turned it up. "I love this song!" he crowed. He and Don head-banged and sang along, Don air-guitaring furiously while Mick drummed along on his steering wheel.

"Little miss innocent, sugar me!" sang Mick in a beautiful, clear tone.

Don elbowed him gently in the side. "Yeah!"

They looked at each other and dissolved into giggles.

In the movie, Ilsa's castrated former sex slave was refusing to be saved, preferring death to a life without sex.

"Don't do it, man!" Jeff pleaded with the screen. "You've got so much to live for!"

"But he can never make love again," said George.

"Just because he doesn't have a dick any more doesn't mean he has to be sexless," Jeff informed him.

"What? How?" George was genuinely thrown by this idea.

"He can have sex, y'know, anally." Jeff crammed some popcorn into his mouth.

"Anally? You mean -- he can take it up the ass?" For some reason, this hadn't ever struck George as a viable option before this moment.

"Well, yeah," said Jeff after a pause. "Don't knock it 'till you try it."

George was frozen with astonishment for several seconds. Did he just say what I think he said? "Wha-- have you ever, uh, taken it up the ass?" His cheeks started burning even as he asked the question. He couldn't believe he was asking Jeff something like this.

A smile played at Jeff's lips. "Watch the movie, okay?"

"But--" George couldn't let this go. He had known Jeff for years, how could he not know about this? Was there anything to know? Was Jeff just messing with him?

"Shhh." Jeff pressed his finger to his lips. "You're missing the ending of the movie."

Mick and Don pulled into Jeff's driveway. Don opened the car door and stood up, making a show of stretching and popping his neck and limbs. "I think we've been driving around for hours!"

"Trust me, I did you a favor." Mick grimaced at the thought of the movie.

Don paused, then turned to look at Mick. "You know we can't do this much longer?"

"What? You mean, stall over watching that terrible movie?" asked Mick, chuckling.

"No. You know what I mean. This." Don nodded towards the house. "The band. It's ending, Mick, don't pretend you don't see it."

A cold feeling of dread gripped Mick by the throat. "Please, let's not talk about this right now." Despite all their ups and downs, the good days and the very bad, Mick couldn't handle thinking about the inevitable end, and he doubted the other two guys were ready for that, either.

Don sighed. "All right. For you."

Inside the house, the credits were rolling. George reached for a handful of popcorn. His hand touched Jeff's hand and they looked up at each other, blushing as though caught doing something naughty. George felt as though his senses were all turned 'round. He was held, suspended, by the look in Jeff's blue eyes. He wanted to lean in closer and drape his arm over Jeff's shoulder.

"I, um," stammered Jeff.

"Yeah, me, too," said George, as he started to close the distance between them.

The front door burst open. "We're here!" declared Don.

"God fucking damn it!" swore George, jumping as though he'd just been electrocuted.

The screen went blank.


End file.
